25 EPIC MALL SANTA “FAILS”

Tis the season to be scared out of your wits by impostors posing as Jolly Old Saint Nick. How dare these two-bit crazies call themselves Santa and dish out miniature candy canes to unsuspecting toddlers! In my effort to draw awareness to this unrecognized and growing nation-wide dilemma, I give you the TOP 25 EPIC MALL SANTA “FAILS” and accompanying captions.

#1

#1 – “Hey there kid. Stop cryin’! It’s me…Ed Anser. You know…Mary Tyler Moore Show. C’mon. You don’t remember me?”

#2

#2 – Attacked by the Happy Elf!

#3

#3 – “Hey! I have a day job as a Birthday party clown. Don’t make me bust out my tickle finger!”

#4

#4 – First and foremost…let’s agree on a focal point. Secondly, could “silk shirt” and “fake blond” BE any less interested. At least the chair is wide enough. It’s like a stinkin’ Santa love seat. Neither of these peeps is feelin’ the love.

#5

#5 - "My Santa...what fuzzy sleeves you have." "What!? These? Truth be told kid...I haven't done this in a while and I had to improvise. The hat...sleeves....cut from a roll of insulation I had in my trunk."

#6

#6 - First of all...what's with the Frank Lloyd Wright-like chair. Secondly...this is like super-spread-out Santa. Poor kid is nearly on the floor. "Skooch over, fatty!"

#7

#7 – A skinny, stiff as a board…purple-suit clad Santa with no hat. Where do I begin? I mean, the chest of candy canes is bigger than this guy! This must be…like, Santa after the depression. And what’s with the purple?? What is this, Norway?

#8

#8 – This photo is evidence. Note the demon-like eyes….These communist robots disguised as children are spies attempting to infiltrate the Malls of America. Nice try with the sweatshirt, sweetie, but we see right thru ya! Oh yeah…the Santa: covert agent Higgins. Nice job, Higgins.

#9

#9 – A lot of people don’t know this…but for every 100 Mall Santas, the North Pole donates 1 Free Santa to the state’s local soup kitchen. This is Nebraska’s Santa: William Crotty. (*Lush chair not Included.)

#10

#10 – “Here comes Santy Joey DeLuca…Here comes Santy Joey DeLuca….Right down Santy Joey DeLuca’s lane. Whaa??? You gotta problem?”

#11

#11 – “That’s right, little boy! Scream your head off! Neither your mommy, your daddy…my terribly rusty jingle bells, or my cotton ball eyebrows can save you now!” (*NOTE: Could Santa BE digging his fingernails in anymore? No wonder the kid is shoutin’!”

#12

#12 - "YES! And upon my throne of crayons, I shall rule the world." Note: Like Jingle Bells. What's up with the bells?

#13

#13 – “Hey there lilla boy! I’m your Santy Clauff….Hat? Who needs a lilla hat, or whatever. No, I ain’t been drinkin’. I don’t need no drinks. I do need a comb. You see, I gots me a HUGE head of hair. It’s like clouds…or a polar bear…or fog. It’s real too…I love it. It’s soft and warm and….STOP CRYING! Darn kids.”

#14

#14 – Evidence of a lack of good dental insurance at the North Pole.

#15

#15 – Is this guy for real? It looks like Paul Rudd, don’t it?

#16

#16 – “Dude….just take da kid, eh? Look….just take her! She needs to get into the spirit of Christma—don’t make me come over dare young lady. I’ll smack those tears off your face so fast, you’ll be marchin’ here and there, all around the square, singing catch me if you can!”

#17

#17 – “Um…yeah. Do you guys really need me here? Tell you what….I’ll just stay in the back here behind CHEEKS, EYEBROWS and the PEEKER ELF. No prob.”

#18

#18 - "Um...yeah, Santa. For Christmas I'd like a Malibu Barbie...a Lite-Bright....and Gastric Bypass."

#19

#19 - NO-FACE SANTA!!!

#20

#20 - "Jim...grab SUZIE! Santa's getting bitey again!"

#21

#21 - THE LITTLE HEAD SANTA.

#22

#22 - "SANTA SMELLS LIKE CIGARETTES!"

#23

#24 - "Don't worry there kiddies! Just so long as Santa here has taken his pills....then we'll all have a MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!"

#24

#24 - Today's SCARY SANTA is brought to you by WAL-MART. WAL-MART...we've got egg nog too!

#25

#25 - All I know...is that I'm LITERALLY having nightmare about this Santa tonight. How freaky is this!

So, you better watch out! You’d better not cry! You’d better not pout! I’m tellin’ you why! Santa Clause might eat your small children! I suggest pepper spray in the stockings this year.