TOP 20 MOST PATHETIC SIDEKICKS OF ALL TIME

When you’re backed into a corner in some hyper-exaggerated, super enhanced tale of super powers versus super evil…who will certainly swoop down and rescue you at the last second and save the day? That’s right! The faithful neighborhood sidekick. After all, the superhero has better things to do, right?

I never understood the reasoning behind a sidekick. (From the sidekick’s point of view anyway.) I mean…if you were a super hero who is obviously doing well and highly respected, why on earth would you settle for babysitting a second-hand, second-class super hero as a tag-along? You’d spend your precious time narrating city-saving plans in great detail when you could be freeing people from burning buildings. You answer questions that don’t need to be answered. There are two sets of tights to wash now!

Rarely do I think of super-side-kicks without getting rather annoyed about the whole affair. I mean…what’s SUPER about any of them. They’re nothing more that plot devices to further story lines, or joke setter-uppers.

With that said…I pay tribute to the most PATHETIC sidekicks of all time by presenting the TOP 20. Mind you this is my personal opinion…and yes, my list expanded beyond just these 20…so for all of you who are surfing the Internet for a good Mr. Green Jeans ribbing, move along. He’s number 21.

20. CHEWBACCA (Han Solo’s sidekick)

I am totally planning on waking up tomorrow morning to a small army of Star Wars ninjas at my front door ready to slice me in two with their plastic light sabers and over-sized social calenders for even suggesting Chewbacca is pathetic. But, face it…the dude is not very bright. He’s easily distracted, loud and obnoxious…and does anyone really buy the fact that his weapon of choice is a crossbow? (“He’s the hairiest Star Wars character yet. Let’s give him a weapon that would require the exposed firing mechanism to be completely unobstructed. Brilliant!”) On top of that, we never know what he’s saying! Sure, Jabba gets subtitles…but not the overgrown Chinchilla with a crossbow.  I think the REAL purpose of Chewbacca is to give Han Solo more sway, you know. He’s cool anyway…but with a giant bodyguard behind him who is fiercely loyal….shoot, I won’t mess with the guy. Would you?

19. ETHEL (Lucy Ricardo’s Sidekick)

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing more enjoyable than a blast from the past as we watch Lucy and Ethel cram chocolates into their mouths, or gawk over William Holden…Ethel earns a spot on my elite listing not because she can’t set up a joke for the lead, or because she isn’t remotely sympathetic. More so, I’m mad at her for marrying a man that is clearly her grandfather. Fred Mertz is the walking dead and Ethel is his crypt keeper. The whole situation isn’t the least bit funny. A funny old man is at least “use-able”…then we’re laughing at the situation because it’s just plain dirty. But, what the heck!? The whole thing is played off as totally convincing, and it is SOOOO not. As a result the whole situation just fails, big time. I wind up not liking Ethel because of it.  I’m a theatre dude, and I’m cool with the whole suspended reality thing…but, come on. Ethel will always remain an unfortunate CRYPT KEEPER!

18. ROBIN (Batman’s Sidekick)

Now, let me preface this one. I actually like ROBIN as a sidekick in a sense, but ONLY from a Batman television series perspective, for two reasons. One, my wife and I adopted our Great Pyrenees from a rescue shelter in California that is owned by Burt Ward and his wife. (GREAT people, by the way who I wouldn’t say a bad word about.) Secondly, in the realm of hokey television superheros, I think Robin has a place. Without a “Holy Hairspray, Batman” before the ensuing, captioned fist-fight, I think I would feel empty inside. It’s just hokey-pokey silliness, and silly = good in my book when done right. Now, Robin in the freakin’ George Clooney/Uma Thurman Batman remake disaster, that’s just plain dumb, dumb, dumb. (That goes for Silverstone’s pudgy Batgirl…and ANY sidekick that has “boy” or “girl” attached to their moniker.) So, for the record…cheers to Burt Ward’s Robin. Keep on soarin’! To all the other Robin’s out there…I give you the bird.

17. IGOR (Dr. Frankenstein’s Sidekick)

Granted, Marty Feldman can do just about anything and make me laugh, but we’re not talking about the “Eye-Gore” from the Mel Brooks film. Rather, Igor in general. It’s just a lumpy, dumpy, ho-hum character. The subservient, “jump when I say jump” type of character gets old quick, and soon you find yourself wishing he’d just pick up a snow shovel and clobber Dr. Frankenstein…or the monster…or a Bunsen burner….or something! Do something, you humped simpleton!

16. SMEE (Capt. Hook’s Sidekick)

Again, props to my friend Paul who played Smee opposite of my Hook. This has nothing to do with you Paul…merely the Smee from versions of the story onscreen. I have a hard time liking Smee, which I think is one of the author’s immediate goals. Smee seems to always be portrayed as a dolt. You know…a few fries short of a Happy Meal. Bob Hoskin’s Smee in “Hook” was the only thing remotely close to an onscreen interpretation I thought was what Smee should have been: a proud man in a coward’s clothing. That’s a struggle. That’s a sub-plot. That’s fun. A dolt is nothing more than a dolt…and that never does anything for me except leave me wondering if that stupid crocodile would like an after-dinner SMINT.

15. PATRICK (Spongebob’s Sidekick)

I want to be very clear: I do not apologize for this one. Patrick is quite possibly the most annoying character I’ve ever watched. He’s like a perfect combination of the most hyperactive ADHD 7-year old you can find…and…just about any methamphetamine.  This comment will hurt some people, I know. But if you truly are a die-hard Patrick fan, then you are used to the controversy that surrounds Spongebob in general. The whole show is about as controversial as pre-death Michael Jackson. (Too soon?) This, plus,  he looks kinda like a “naughty part” to me. That’s just wrong.

14. WOODSTOCK (Snoopy’s Sidekick)

Snoopy is so freakin’ cool. I love him. Why in the WORLD would he need a complaining, fuzzy sidekick who does nothing but spew forth indecipherable jibber-jabber? Plus, he looks half-drawn half the time. I don’t have anything personal against Woodstock (which begs the question of “Was someone high at the time the bird was drawn?”) it’s just he’s not needed. Trim the fat!

13. SMITHERS (Mr. Burns’ Sidekick)

I love the Simpsons, even if Family Guys continues to fuel the “silly” section of my brain with up-to-date media references and a constant flow of Broadway references,  Simpsons is still kinda cool. And to piggy-back that statement, Smithers is kinda cool. But, he’s totally pathetic. This lightweight, light in the loafers personal assistant to Mr. Burns is always shedding light on Burns’ crusty, unfocused attacks. He’s picked on, unappreciated, and unsympathetic because he never does anything about it. Who likes a masochist sidekick?

12. MINI ME (Dr. Evil’s Sidekick)

Okay…before I say that little people are funny (and I refuse to enter the “why the word midget is okay to say” debate)…let me just say that in the performance industry you have to understand your limitations in order to effectively market yourself. Little people have it easy in the sense that the demand is usually a short list. Ahhh…excuse me. What I mean to say is, little people are in demand and take advantage of these acting gigs to heighten their exposure…ah….sorry. Little people are funny!!!! They’re smaller than normal. They’re travel size!

Joking aside, you have to appreciate someone who can laugh at themselves which is exactly what actors do when they accept roles like “Mini Me.” But, beyond the subject of Little People actors (and the fact that those Mini Buffalo Ranch Chicken Burger at Jack in the Box look good without or without the Little People dancing around them)…Mini Me in general is yet another example of an under appreciated sidekick. Ask anybody why they like Mini Me. You usually get an intelligent response like, “he’s funny” or “cuz he’s smaller…and he’s funny.” It’s just a comedic bit that lasted beyond the normal length of a traditional bit which is one of Mike Myers’ trademarks: overextending himself. (Or, rather “under-extending” himself??)

11. TINKERBELL (Peter Pan’s Sidekick)

I’m assuming we’ve all been to the land of merriment and high marketing called Disneyland. My last trip I had a single goal: bring my wife back something with the Cheshire Cat on it. (Her favorite.) For the love of all that is holy…I couldn’t find anything more than a freakin’ key chain featuring the pink and pesky puss. The stores were infiltrated by floods of Tinkerbells! It was borderline ridiculous. I get it. Little girls wanna be a princess or a fairy. Fine. But, c’mon!!! Do we really need Tinkerbell toilet paper and Tinkerbell elbow pads?? (Both can be gift wrapped.) And what helps me round out the bottom portion of my top 20 list with this green fairy is the simple fact that she’s not very nice. Don’t let that smile fool you. Why Peter chose her as a companion is beyond me. I suppose everyone likes to be fawned over. (But, c’mon. How much fawning can one gal do at two inches tall?) She’s the epitome of that jealous girlfriend you had in high school that told all her friends to be mad and ignore you because you took of breath of the same air Betsy Jones did in math class. She’s mean! She’s the perfect commentary of how WRONG today young ladies are being raised. “Here you go girls….here’s a role model you can be proud of! Now get that tiara on! We’re gonna be late for our Sunny Apple Beauty Pageant. We’ll kill those hussies!”

10. PINKY (The Brain’s Sidekick)

There’s a lot to be said for the Anamaniacs series. I thought it was incredibly funny stuff, and they always hugged that line of trying to keep things educational, which I liked. Then there was the secondary storyline of “Pinky and the Brain.” What’s to be said about a Dr. Evil-like rodent and the dim-witted…borderline mentally incapacitated…sidekick. They were certainly funny…but the storyline got really old after the first second. We knew Pinky would mess things up. We knew the Brain would get angry and eventually caught because of Pinky’s shenanigans. We knew it. Plus, his name is first, which makes us think the Brain is the sidekick. So, for me…it was a predictable, abrasive, shove-the-joke-down-your-throat, attempts at bringing together a legit comic team. Leave the honeymooner bits to Ralph and Norton.

#9 VANNA WHITE (Pat Sajak’s Sidekick)

I love Vanna White. That doesn’t mean she’s not a pathetic sidekick. I recall watching a taped interview with Merv Griffin about how Vanna was hired. The good-ol’ boy proceeded to recount how he told his secretary to pick 12 random head shots out of hundreds and lay them on his desk. He walked in a pointed to one and said “that one.” From there, Vanna has lived countless years on television as a household sex symbol. She apparently never ages. She’s constantly in demand. She’s bloody rich and famous and has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. All she does is walk back and forth and flip letters. (Actually, now all she does is touch the screen and they pop up.) And all this opportunity, recognition, fame and celebrity was brought upon by one old fart’s libido. Gotta love the performance industry. Pathetic, isn’t it.

#8 TATTOO (Mr. Roarke’s Sidekick)

I’ll tell ya…as cheesy as Fantasy Island was, I still found value it the show. But the reason Tattoo is on my list…an rather high on the list…is because I always thought should I ever die after a terrible nightmare, it will be because someone like Herve Villechaize was standing over me with an axe waiting for me to abruptly wake from my shaky slumber. It’ll be like a dream about me being chased by an army of rabid bagels through some Jewish deli. In my frantic attempts to escape I’ll run into Sammy Davis Jr. He’ll be like “Who’s chasing you, baby? The Sesame? The Poppy Seed?” And I’d be like “I DON’T KNOW!!!!” Then I’d wake up! Tattoo, axe in hand, would say “It’s Da Plain! Da Plain!” And then he’d kill me.

#7 MARCIE (Peppermint Patty’s Sidekick)

It seems that every time Marcie and Peppermint Patty come up in conversation the subject of lesbianism is always suggested. I will not exercise lesbian jokes. Marcie was secretly in love with Charlie Brown and every true Peanuts fan will know that. Just because we never saw Peppermint Patty in anything but husky sandals doesn’t mean a thing. I live in the desert, I see that sort of thing all the time. They can’t ALL be lesbians! And it’s not that I’m not fans of sandals or anything. (Heck, I own a pair, doesn’t make me a lesbian….wait a minute….actually, I suppose I am a lesbian. *pondering* Hmmmm.  How the heck did I get on this topic!!) Anyway…back to Marcie. She’s the quintessential “follower.” She hangs on Patty’s every word and can’t wait to one-up her in intelligence. She’s the brains behind the brawn you might say, and everyone knows that the brains rarely get the recognition they deserve.

6. AL BORLAND (Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor’s Sidekick)

What a pathetic sidekick. Behind every funny man is a sidekick who sits frozen with a disapproving smirk on their mug. I used to hate the never ending banter between Al and Tim about the stupidest things. (I can’t believe I watched that show as often as I did. Those are hours I’ll never have again!! Darn you Jonathan Taylor Thomas and your stupid popularity!!) It was just a bad show that flourished in the post Cosby era that should have been cancelled as quickly as Tim Allen used to juggle dime bags. At Least Richard Karn (who played the role) landed a sweet deal with Family Feud after the show ended. “Survey Says? ERRRRRRRRRR!”

#5 TWIGGY (Buck Roger’s Sidekick)

Yeah…I can’t stand this character. “Be-de-be-de-be-de-be-de.” This character found himself on my list strictly because of the voice over. It’s like the Darth Vader thing all over again. Except this time the actor looks like he can’t even move in that suit. Seriously, doesn’t TWIGGY look like he’s gonna fall over half the time!? Just a terrible idea. Yet…people liked him. I don’t get it. It’s like Klingons, I suppose.  Armies of people memorize the the Klingon dictionary and find great joy travelling in packs and ordering Big Mac by saying “AGGGKKKPP. GUNNNG, POOOOG YAAAGGG!!!” Just…..WHY???

#4 PAUL SHAFFER (David Letterman’s Sidekick)

I would be remiss to leave Paul Shaffer off of my top ten list.  His less-than-sharp, more-than-cheesy segue music for late night guests is just…well…lackluster. His contrived laughter after every twinkle of Letterman’s eye drives me nuts and what’s with the giant, stupid ear plugs? Does he has swimmer’s ear? Does he take on water? Simply put, in a cage fight featuring  Ed McMahon and Paul Shaffer…McMahon would be the world champ (and I’m NOT just saying that because he’s dead) and Shaffer would be a bald pile of goo underneath the turnbuckle. A bald pile of goo with gigantic ear plugs. (If the guy is going deaf, I’m going to feel really bad now.)

#3 BOO BOO (Yogi Bear’s Sidekick)

Boo Boo opened the door for any undiagnosed couch potato suffering from depression. He’s the biggest ho-hum on television. Droopy Dog was ho-hum, but at least he was blue and had his OWN cartoon. But, Boo Boo, he’s just a downer. I feel depressed after watching a cartoon with him in it. He’s like,  “It’s okay to sponge off of your friends’ picnic baskets.  It’s okay to say that you’re worried, or sad, or gloomy. And furthermore, it’s okay to lumber around with a frown on your face and droopy eyes.”  Boo Boo is a sad little bear. (And I think he’s a “cutter.”) I feel sorry for him. Now that he’s old and gray, I hope he’s found some happiness in his life. But, truth be told, Boo Boo is quite pathetic and was Hannah Barbara’s biggest boo-boo.

2. ORKO (He-Man’s sidekick.)

Yes, yes…I know, Orko wasn’t officially He-Man’s sidekick. And C-3PO wasn’t Luke Skywalker’s. Whatever. He was “pretty much” his sidekick…so I’m going to count it. And NO, Kringer should not have made my list because as Battle Cat…he’s a freakin’ pimp. Orko is just annoying. He’s like that little nephew that won’t leave you alone at family functions. You know the type. You just can’t wait till he follows you into the backyard for a slice of watermelon so that you can trip him in the doorway. That’s Orko…I just WANT him to get comeuppance. Anytime he gets electrocuted or made fun of…or when one of his tricks doesn’t work…I’m like “yeah! Take that stupid hovering…thing.” ORKO…what a dork-o.

1.) SCRAPPY-DOO (Scooby-Doo’s Sidekick)

Words cannot express my utter hatred for this character. Scooby-Doo has never been, in my book, a television masterpiece. Yet, I watched and enjoyed. I think I was just totally hot for Daphne…but that’s besides the point. The whole show was a hot mess from day one, and it came to a screeching halt when Scrappy hit the scene. What an annoying little bugger. (Kinda like that chicken hawk twirp that bugged Foghorn Leghorn.) You just wanna smack ’em. Scrappy remains the top of not only my Pathetic Sidekicks list, but also my “Most Annoying Television Characters list” and my “People I would Beat to Death with a Garden Weasel” list. Scrappy…”puppy power” your over-sized head off…these Scooby snacks are all mine!

__________________________________

Well, that’s all folks…..there’s my list.

Sure you may think to yourself, “how dare he leave Barney Rubble off.” His laugh makes me laugh. “How dare he leave Fozzie Bear off.” I actually like his sad attempts at jokes. “How dare he leave Ernie off.” I consider Bert and Ernie one puppet. “How dare he leave Sancho Panza off.” Too literal.

I’d love to hear about your LEAST FAVORITE SIDEKICK. Perhaps there are a few out there I haven’t thought about.

Top 20 Coolest Disney Characters of All Time

Before I even begin writing this list, I need to be perfectly clear. This is a listing of MY top twenty Disney characters that I’ve always thought were just stinkin’ cool. Cool is a subjective term. You’ll notice Mickey Mouse is not on my list. Some would consider that sacrilegious. I like Mickey. Who doesn’t like Mickey. But he’s not on my top twenty list of the COOLEST Disney characters. (And I feel no obligation to put him or any other “classic” character there as a “tip of the hat” gesture.) Also, I’ve limited my list to ANIMATED films. (Yes, even digitally animated films.) I make no apologies for my list, and I stand by my decisions. You are welcome to argue them.

20. DORY (From “Finding Nemo”)

Dory is back on the list, because a reader of this blog was so kind to remind me that “Kung Fu Panda” is actually a Dreamwork movie, not Disney…which subsequently knocked Po out of the running. So, Dory is here and after thinking about it for a while….rightly so! What a fun character! Ellen Degeneres brings this hilarious Blue Tag fish to life and audience were delighted. She’s crazy, forgetful, enthusiastic, and sensative. (Sounds like my yearly evaluation with the principal at my school!) Anyway…congrats Dory for finding your way onto the list. Just keep swimming…just keep swimming!

19. PONGO (From “101 Dalmatians”)

Let’s face it…of all the ANIMAL Disney heroes, he’s by far the slickest. He’s cool, collected, loyal, and above all he loves his family. He goes to great lengths (even putting himself in the line of fire) to save those he cares about. He’s not an arrogant leader either. Even though he’s the reason why everyone went out and got Dalmatian puppies, thus giving puppy mills a booster shot, we won’t hold that against him.

18. MALEFICENT (From “Sleeping Beauty”)

Can we be perfectly honest with one another for a second, without hurting any feelings? Okay. “Sleeping Beauty” is not a cinematic masterpiece. It’s weak in character development and sub-plot structure. I’d even go as far to say that Princess Aurora (who has the most difficult name to pronounce of all of the Disney princesses…especially if you’re of Asian heritage) is kinda bland in comparison to her nemesis. I’ll even go on record saying that I’ve always found Maleficent a smidge attractive. (It’s the high collar, assertiveness and green skin. Love green skin for some reason.) My little Lima bean queen is just a fierce villain. That’s all there is to it. The topper is that she turns into a freakin’ dragon…a cool one too! Aurora spends half the movie frolicking in the woods bare foot….and who does she get with in the end? Mighty Prince Phillip. (Who comes up with these names!!!)

17. GASTON & LAFOU (From “Beauty and the Beast”)

I don’t mean to lump these two together, and it’s kinda my sneaky way of getting more characters into the countdown…but I do think that as far as great comedic teams are concerned, they’re on the best. Gaston is a strong, arrogant, studly beefcake and LeFou is his bumbling side-kick. Before they say a word you can’t wait to see what happens based on that description! I also like the collective journey these two take throughout the story. I would argue that Gaston has a wildly evil moment with the Beast at the end and reaches his fatal demise in a gruesome way. (In comparison to others. I mean, even Capt. Hook disappears still struggling with the crocodile…so we’re left hanging.) They’re drawn very well…and these two you can totally connect with. You can probably think right now about someone you know who is EXACTLY like Gaston or LeFou, am I right? (Shout out to Evan Litt who played LeFou opposite of my Gaston this year.)

Me as Gaston and Evan Litt as LeFou in Signature Production's BEAUTY AND THE BEAST.

16. IAGO (From “Aladdin”)

Iago is one of those annoying characters that you love to hate. Every great villain needs a side-kick or an on-looker. Iago’s contributions to Jafar’s dark side is what makes Jafar an effective character. Disney has to be careful. Can’t be too scary (something that happened in “Hunchback” in my opinion) and you can’t be too campy (something that happened in “Robin Hood.”) So, you sandwich the two together, then spin away the silly stuff in the end of the film, and you’ve got an effective bad guy. Add to the fact that Gilbert Godfrey voices the bird, and you have a brilliant comedic Disney cocktail…or rather…cockatoo, tail!

15. BALOO (From “The Jungle Book”)

Baloo is very much like John Goodman, if you ask me. I didn’t care much for ROSEANNE, but I find myself watching reruns of the show simply because John Goodman, and that chick who plays Roseanne’s sister….they’re so funny! Baloo is that friendly, funny, kinda dum-dee-dum type of character that is just fun to watch. I suppose it helps that Mowgli is just flat out annoying, and I could never STAND that character…but still. I have a soft spot for Baloo.

14. EDNA E. MODE (From “The Incredibles)

Edna is simply a fantastic character. First of all…”The Incredibles” is brilliant. That being said, this quirky, uppity, little tribute to Alfred from Batman and Q from James Bond MAKES the movie. She is feisty, slick, smart and resourceful. She’s got a great voice and the deadpan delivery kept me in stitches and burdened me throughout my weekend as I tried again and again, in vein, to mimick it. That, and the character is intimidating. Love it. Before we move on, real quick…any one else think she’s is the spitting image of Project Runway’s Christian?

13. CRUELLA DEVILLE (From “101 Dalmations”)

Alright…let’s talk about Cruella Deville. I know she get a bad rap, but let’s face it. She’s awesome. She’s been around forever and didn’t necessarily come from the best family situation. To step away from her other brothers like that and pursue a solo music career is very ambitious. Her recording career has become infamous and some of the most influential work in the music industry, period. I mean, when she released “Beat It,” “Billy Jean,” “Thriller” and dozens of other number one singles….I mean, she set the standard in……what? *Pause* She’s not…what? *Pause* You mean, she didn’t…..hmmmm. Are you sure? That wasn’t her dangling the baby from the balcony? Really! *Soft Whispering Heard* What’s that? You have proof? Let me see.

This proves nothing.

12. AM and SI (The Siamese Cats from “The Lady and the Tramp”)

The Siamese Cat song is just plain creepy. I love these two little devils and the way they are presented in animation…it’s so deliciously accurate. Siamese Cats are so much like these two, it’s not even funny. They’re crafty, they’re fun…and they stick out in my mind as being a part of one the neatest Disney movie moments ever.

11. ARCHIMEDES (The Owl from “THE SWORD AND THE STONE”)

This funny, snippy Owl is the best part of this under-appreciated Disney classic. Merlin would be on my list, but they ended up making him really goofy in the end. Kinda upsetting. But Archimedes is a wry, sourpuss, and who doesn’t love a sour-puss? Half the country is days away from voting for one! (That was a dig, I know. I’ll even it out. Ummm. Hmmm. The other one has big ears. There.) I watch “The Sword and the Stone” specifically because of Archimedes. (Who was voiced beautifully by Junius Matthews.)

10. SIR HISS (From “Robin Hood”)

Sir Hiss, that silly serpent was the best part of Robin Hood. (A movie is affectionately refer to as “a mess.”) Disney could have done SO much more with this movie.  It’s a classic tale with limit-less possibilities. We could have had a classic tale with amazing heroes and crazy bad villains. Instead we have  wussy bad guy, a unlikable fox Maid Marion…and the best character is a stinkin’ after-thought side-kick. Well, I’m glad they developed Hiss…of all of the Disney snakes…he’s the besssssssst. The only other good thing to come from this movie was a seriously sped-up track of the chorus to “Robin Hood and Little John” that is directly associated with the techno Hampster Dance. I’m dead serious when I say that someone is making a living off of the Hampster Dance. God Bless America.

9. TIMON & PUMBA (From “The Lion King”)

Timon and Pumba are the Batman and Robin of Disney characters. Probably the best duo in the history of Disney. Amazing vocal performances, hilarious and memorable musical numbers, carefree yet caring characters that grabbed audiences from the beginning and haven’t let loose yet. I mean, c’mon…how many of you have been to the zoo lately? A million bucks says you looked at the meerkats and said “Look, it’s Timon!” Everybody has!

8. SCAR (From “The Lion King”)

By law, Jeremy Irons should have to voice every animated villain until he dies. What an amazing vocal performance. He’s scary and delightfully evil. The movement and animation on this film is first-rate, and the scenes with the hyenas during “Be Prepared”….I would have to say that it’s one of the finest animated villain songs ever. Add to the fact that he’s basically a simple lion with a slight deformation, and you’ve got an unsuspecting, haunting monster waiting to pounce! Good times.

7. KRONK (From the “Emperor’s New Groove”)

Kronk is voiced by Patrick Warburton. He’s awesome. He starred in the live action version of the cartoon “TICK.” (It was very short-lived.) He also was Elaine’s boyfriend in Seinfeld. He’s very good at playing the clueless character…or the under appreciated character….or the likable dummy. In “Emperor’s New Groove,” a comedic master-piece in its own right (and by FAR David Spade’s best movie) he’s the mountainous side-kick to the completely unlikable (for the wrong reasons) Ertha Kitt villain. (I can’t even remember her name. Who cares, really.) If you never have seen this movie…go out and buy it now. If only for this brilliant secondary character. He’s genius.

6. CAPTAIN HOOK (From “Peter Pan”)

Captain Hook is an icon. He can easily be ranked in the Top 20 villains of all time list, if you asked me. He’s a pirate, which earns him bonus points right off…..he’s got a hook for an appendage, he’s scared of crocodiles, and the ticking of an alarm clock inside the belly of the always-pursuing beast keeps him constantly at bay. Dang…before you even tell the story you have bunches to work with there! Peter Pan has always been some sort of an enigma to me. I always found myself relating to Hook in the story. I mean…the kid is a brat! Hook is just trying to do his job….pillage, plunder, murder and steal. (Normal, everyday piratey things to do, right?) But this flying, jolly, green pixie is always up in his grill messin’ wit his bizznass. Homeboy askin’ for some hook….if you asked me. BANGARANG!

5. FLOWER (From “Bambi”)

Flower may come across as a bit namby-pamby at first…but when you talk about innocence incarnate, Flower is one of the sweetest Disney characters ever. And how genius is it that Flower is a skunk? Nobody said Disney wasn’t clever. Bambi is one of those doe-eyed movies of yesteryear that people long associate with this old-school was of thinking and doing. Usually, people regard them with a long-distance sentiment that seperates them from anything even remotely produced today. I argue that if it wasn’t for movies like Bambi and characters like Flower, we would have no basis for comparison for today heroes, victims and villains. Love him, or hate him…the skunk is a pioneer. But you can call him Flower if you want to.

4. LUMIERE (From “Beauty and the Beast”)

Lumiere is Disney’s finest front man. The fact that he’s French helps, I think, because it puts a romantic, slightly goofy (but only because the French take themselves so seriously) sort of machismo about him. But on top of that, he’s a showman with grace, manners and sentiment. Plus, he’s on fire…which adds an element of danger. What do you have…a premiere Disney character that some may argue is Disney’s #1 most charming character ever. Voiced by the brilliant (God rest his soul) Jerry Orbach, he is every musical theatre major’s dream role. (Tip of the hat to Steve Huntsman.)

Steve Huntsman as LUMIERE in Signature Production's BEAUTY AND THE BEAST.

3. GENIE (From “Aladdin”)

The Genie in Aladdin is what brought audiences back to loving Disney movies again. Stay with me. There is an old-school Disney following. You know the group…those who think that Cinderella and Snow White look so innocent and pure (and not like expressionless, carbon copies of the last Disney damsel.) They are the ones that LOVE the simplicity of the grainy animation process, and scoff digital animation. Then there are those who are all about digital, and can’t imagine why anyone would ever even watch “The Three Caballeros.” Genie, is the bridge between the two and the character has been constructed effortlessly by Robin Williams who by and large I consider a genius. The fast-paced approach to this wide-open opportunity of a character really set the bar for Disney films to come and was simply a dream come true.

2. BELLE (From “Beauty and the Beast”)

Note that this is the only Disney Princess on my list. That’s because all of the others stink. (This is with all due respect to my friend Sierra Boggess who is playing Ariel in “The Little Mermaid” on Broadway. Love ya Sierra!) Where was I….oh, that’s right, “You heard me! Stinky poo!” None of them are role models. Tonight is Halloween, and hundreds of little girls are waiving magic wands and flouncing around in their princess dresses. Belle on the other hand isn’t even a princess by choice. She wants adventure…she wants to get away! All of the other princesses wants to be coddled by a big strong prince. Boo, boo, boo. “No mommy! I wanna be a fairy princess!”

Okay, let’s go there for a minute (frankly because my wife is giving me grief for putting Belle so high on the list.) What IS a fairy princess? Answer me that? Is it a princess with wings? Is it a small, flying pixie? (A pocket-sized princess, if you will?) Why in the world do girls want to emulate these characters so badly? (“Because they want to look pretty!”) Well…God forbid we start nurturing them with daily love and support so that they might build up self-esteem. (“Because they want to be magical.”) I don’t see anyone dressing up like David Copperfield. (“Because they like the color pink.”) Go trick-or-treating as a bottle of Pepto.

That’s always bugged me. Fairy Princesses. Sheesh. Did you know Disney has made over $5 billion dollars on the Disney Princess brand since 1998. FIVE BILLION. That’s a lot of plastic wands. I sincerely hope that the little girls of the world are granting wishes left and right tonight, because when they grow up and find out that life doesn’t always offer that Disney happy ending…they will have to dig down and reach for something inside to get them through. No plastic tiara or yellow dress will help them out.

With that said, Belle is Disney’s strongest princess. She is a dreamer, an odd-duck…but she doesn’t take crap from anyone. She sacrifices herself for her father…she’s kind and nurturing…and she reads! (Novel idea in this day and age.) And while I’m not saying that Belle is the reason for the boost in Twilight book sales, I will say that she’s not the type of heroine that stands by waiting for someone to rescue her. She takes charge and creates her own destiny. I love that about this character. All of the other princess can’t even match up. (Side Note: My favorite Belle is Kari Curletto, who I have the pleasure sharing the stage with in Signature Production’s Beauty and the Beast.)

Kari Curletto as Belle.

1. THE CHESHIRE CAT (From “Alice in Wonderland”)

Here he is folks…my number one pick for COOLEST Disney Characters of All Time! I can’t imagine anyone arguing with me that the Cheshire Cat isn’t cool. First of all he’s crazy. Crazy is WAY cool. Secondly, he’s striped and purple. Cool. He’s a cat. Cool. He detaches his head and can disappear. Way cool. And, we never REALLY know if he’s a good guy or merely a prankster. So, he’s mysterious. That’s cool. All the while, keeping a big ol’ grin on his face. Love it.

DISNEY CHARACTERS THAT JUST MISSED BEING ON THE TOP 20 LIST:

1. GOOFY (Love the dude…simply because of that “wah-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoy!” noise he makes when he falls.)
2. CHEF LOUIS and SABASTIAN (From “Little Mermaid”) Little Mermaid represent!
3. APU (From “Aladdin”) I took him down a few notches. He kept throwing his own poo.
4. URSULA (From “Little Mermaid”) Dang! Another one from Little Mermaid. Shoot. What should we do with all of these Little Mermaid characters that didn’t make it on my “Coolest” list?? I know, let’s write them into a Broadway musical!

Hope you found my list enthralling…or at least something to kill a little time with…but with that said, Disney movies (or any movie for that matter) is all about entertainment. I deem a movie “good” if I walk away from it having been entertained. The 20 characters on this list have entertained me again and again. That’s what it’s all about, really. Consistency. Consistency is cool.